what i'm like- how i like it- and why

running around with my moms slide phone at five recording 60 second freestyles, skipping around the same ideas because my five year old mind only knew so many words but felt feelings and knew concepts i had never personally experienced. fast forward to junior year summer, my ex told me to release to the world my first ever song made with a pirated youtube beat and wired earbuds. somehow two minutes and 30 seconds turned into the next eight years of my adolescence. and now as i sit here i have 555 followers on soundcloud, 300,000+ streams on all platforms, a spot on nylon; several editorial playlists, and 20 years later have filled up more space on this planet than my moms slide phone could ever handle. it would blow up, just like i intend to do myself. i promise.

growing up i had a flip camera, if you can remember those. somewhere along the way i lost it sadly, however i remember all of the videos i recorded and the creativity i had as a kid when it comes to videos. from vlogs, to skits, to music videos, to just simple edits, i've really done it. my favorite has got to be one i made that consisted of videos either i recorded or my mom did of memories that i am so thankful to be able to revisit. the video i'm referencing will be at the top of the page after clicking the button below. i've always been a victim to nostalgia. in everyway. whether that's content in my music, poems, videos, or books i've attempted to write. but i think videos might just be my favorite as you genuinely get to experience real life moments. from sound to visual to what translates to even scent sometimes. i like to create things that provoke emotion, i think most poeple do, after all it's what art is for. but videos, they top everything.

i never learned how to write poems, but they essentially are just lyrics, right? I haven't written many yet since they usually include a melody but i will continue to poem as i am a poet, i guess.

with that being said, songwriting is in my blood, both my parents story tell through melody and i guess its in my veins. i've had people ask how i write and where the ideas come from. i never can answer, they just DO. i do wish i could explain but the truth is, as soon as pen hits paper, i'll blink and the page is full. in the same way, when i freestyle, somehow it makes sense, even if it doesn't at first, i'll analyze and all of the sudden the story makes sense. once again, i can't tell, only can show.

so diy is one of my traits. my room consists of cardboard diys in every 2.548 ft radius. i love fixing things too, i was probably was a carpenter, welder, plumber, and whatever male dominated trade there is, in a past life. 

that being said, yes i love creating, but i also like short cuts. i'll imagine a complicated idea and come up with any shortcut possible. when i was in highschool i was lazy to turn my bedroom life so naturally i created a poley system to flip my light switch, i mean why wouldn't i. that would be one example of an instant solution for a, oh so detrimental issue. with short cuts come problem solving, button falls off top right before a night out but no thread and needle to be seen? floss and the teeth of a fork will do it. no screw driver: credit card, no bottle opener:  eyelash curler, no stain remover: oven cleaner (trust). the list really could go on- all i'll say is i inherited that trait from my mom. she really is a boss.

my closet is a whole other room. i just realized i may have mold underneath my carpet in my bedroom and i thank my god every day that it's in there and not my safe space: walls covered by hangers, scarves, shelves filled with shoes, and my big fat mirror. floor laid with a bright teal rug that i didn't measure correctly so i had to buy another, cut it up, and meticouly shape it to fit all the nooks that unfinished basements possess. sometimes when my feet drag, the pieces come apart and the original, drab, linolium peeks at me through the cracks and i shudder. it's cold and ugly and i dread it, and if that's dramatic (i know it is), then i'll happily accept the crown of drama queen! I drape myself in patterns and textures and layers, lots of layers. it never looks ugly, to me at least. I believe with confidence comes everything admirable, including appearance and style. everyone will love your zebra print, plaid, and polka dot combination if it's paired with confidence and a pair of heels, that i can promise. i like to layer myself but i think it might even be more satisfying to custimize my friends. even better, when they feel confident in my choices. i love a blank canvas because my materials and mind crave it and even better- the outside world loves it too which makes my friends feel pretty and awesome which is what i pray for. if i eat, everyone does.

i can't say i'm a pro at makeup but i'm certainly not a beginner. but i will say, i will use that makeup like it lasts forever, i don't give a f*** if it's expired, but who really does. lipstick for blush, eyeshadow for contour, a flame to my eyelash curler, lipliner for eyeliner, it really doesn't matter. also- blonde girl hack since no dry shampoo works, corn starch (just avoid the rain, trust me). it lasts you a couple days and the volume is so goals. anyway, i love colors that you'd think would look horrible with my pale complexion. i've learned to love it and stray away from fake tan, even if it means i need to get white color corrector concealer and use it to match normal makeup to my abnormal color, i only gre into it because my mom calls me a fair skinned goddess. makeup is important to for many reasons, but i've developed better skills since working my healthcare job. sounds unncessary but listen, i work in memory care and let's just say the elders respond and cooperate more if it's a pretty girl telling them what to do. i suppose i'll elaborate on my job shortly as it is a massive part of my life although it's a 180 compared to the rest of my life.

i know that typically the imagination of a child wildly conquers that of an average adult but one thiing l cherish, is the untouched imagination that i possess. although my naivety has lessened, which i consider a good thing, the play pretend and imagination and delusion (the good kind) that usually comes alongside, has done nothing but become more resilient. so i'll tell you a story: one time when i was very young, tooth fairy age, i was good friends with a boy called, Brody. now, Brody was my hero at one point because of the promises he made me, however when the truth was revealed, he became a monster to me. Brody, told me he had access to unicorns from another world and asked if i'd want one, i said yes, duh. i told him i'd be at my grandparents and he said he'd have it delivered there. you will never understand the excitement i had, a high that no drug could match. i even told my parents i "ordered" them one, once again, the good kind of delusion. at least i was generous. as the visit to my grandparents rolled around, i crept to the garage where Brody said it would be waiting for me.  i was expecting the room to be flooded with magic pixi dust or something. instead it was just... dust. how dare he i thought. how dare, Brody, make me believe that instead of a car ride home i'd be one with the clouds. the next time i saw, Brody, i verbally assaulted him and never saw him the same. guess what he said to me? "you really believed that?" like, yes, why wouldn't i. why would anyone lie about that. so that's when he became evil. although i still believe in magic, my imagination has mostly translated to my definite success i'll have in the future. I recently visited new york as i plan to move fall of '26. no matter what poeple say when i tell them. i am confident that i will live in a beautiful apartment, with no financial strain, the best job in the world, and the most sound group of friends. many poeple i talk to will say that that will never be a reality, but i say, why wouldn't it be? i want it, i get it. simple.